If you only have 18-20 months or less (eek!!) between babies then jealousy may not be an issue. Children between the ages of two and four can react to the arrival of a new sibling in any number of different ways ranging from being totally disinterested, being extremely loving and gentle straight away, being over exuberant in their affections (or treating the baby like a play thing, trying to pick them up and carry them around whenever you turn your back), being very clingy and wanting to be babied again themselves, liking the baby but being very angry with Mum &/or Dad that things have changed right through to extreme jealousy and outright hatred of the interloper!!

Anecdotally, boys tend to be a little more jealous than girls. Try to remember that it is a phase which will pass. 

I remember hating my little brother who arrived just after my fourth birthday. I have a very vivid memory of my sister and I staring at his bassinette in the corner of the living room and just wanting to do away with him! It didn’t last long though, we were a very happy threesome. 

Here are a few ideas on helping your toddler/pre schooler adjust to his or her new sibling:

• Any changes that are going to be made before the baby arrives, like starting child care, being responded to at night by Dad instead of Mum, going into a big bed or toilet training, need to be done several months in advance. Toilet training during pregnancy unless the child is VERY ready and initiating it themselves is best postponed until the new baby is a few months old. It is NOT easier to clean up toddler wee and poo accidents than have two nappies to change.
• Cut them some slack. Don’t overreact to attention seeking behaviour or them being unkind to the baby. You may feel extremely angry that your child is being aggressive towards the new baby but if you give too much oxygen to the behaviour then it will only fuel it. Be very firm but keep your tone and body language as neutral as possible. In the first couple of weeks you can afford to let some small things slide. Don’t start something if you don’t have the energy to follow through on it.
• Your toddler will likely be testing you. They will push the boundaries to see if you still love them no matter how horrible they are. You may be shocked at a nasty side you hadn’t seen before and that is when you just have to keep pouring on the unconditional love and acceptance. Just when you least want to be nice is when they need it most.
• Acknowledge their feelings, but be firm, redirect negative behaviours and follow up with something positive: ‘I can see you are cross because you want me to play with you and I am busy, but it is not okay to do A, you can go and do B or C instead. Remember: Mummy loves you all the time, even when you do A.'
• After an initial adjustment period of 2-3 weeks, then it is time to tighten up the behaviour expectations again. If you feel too sorry for your toddler and let them get away with too much then that is just as confusing and upsetting for them as the arrival of the baby. They need to know that the rules are still the same, you are still the same. If you have had relatives staying to help with the new baby, then although lovely this can also be unsettling because grandparents etc may have different behaviour expectations to parents (in either direction!), so around now may be time to get back to some kind of normal routine and structure.
• Give your toddler some one to one special time each day, but the rest of the time, make sure that the baby is included. You want them to realise that fun stuff happens when the baby is around, not just when the baby is asleep. E.g. if they only get taken to the park when the baby is asleep at home (which of course is fine to do sometimes) then they can make the association that baby = no fun.
• Give them special jobs to do like bringing you nappies and baby wipes and thank them for helping
• Buy them a life-like dolly and stroller to play with and copy you when you are feeding & changing baby. You can also use this beforehand to model gentle behaviour around babies. This definitely goes for boys too - no sexism thank you, we are preparing the next generation of husbands and fathers here! And little boys will pretend to breastfeed and that is OKAY too and very cute! The smaller toy dolls can be great as they are in proportion with a toddler's size and can be carried everywhere.
• It’s okay to indulge a bit of babyish behaviour. It will pass and the desire for independence will take over. Don’t over emphasise the ‘you are my big boy/girl now’. They are still so little and still your baby too. Obviously this can go too far but if you indulge them a little they are less likely to go even further to get your attention. E.g If they want to drink some milk out of a bottle instead of a cup or be spoon feed for a few days at dinner - don’t stress. You might feed them a few spoonfuls and then expect them to do the rest themselves; you might give them a small bottle of milk before bed but expect them to drink normally the rest of the time.
• Some children ask if they can breastfeed too. Unless you’re actually tandem feeding a newborn and a toddler who had breastfed all through pregnancy, presumably you don’t want to go back to that in a weaned toddler/pre schooler. But giving them a squirt of milk off one side now and then in a little tea cup for a ‘taste’ can keep them happy.
• Feeding time can be a special time for the sibling too - you can do puzzles, build towers, cuddle and read stories while you are breastfeeding (not so easy to bottle feed one handed but then maybe sibling can help). My big girl’s earliest memory is playing a special game with puppets that we only played when I was feeding her sister. I had forgotten all about it and she was able to remind me. She was 2.5 then and she is 11 now so it is obviously vivid for her.
• Let them choose a gift for the new baby
• You can buy a gift for them from the new baby, but this is more of something to keep them amused when you first come home from hospital rather than it being likely to actually make them like the baby!
• Remind visitors to pay attention to all children in the family. A nice way is to have the elder sibling/s ‘show’ guests their new baby brother or sister
• Encourage lots of supervised cuddles and kisses to let them bond
• It may be best when first reunited with your toddler after giving birth, that you are not holding the baby 
• It can also help to mainly focus on your interactions with the older child for the first 2-3 days. It sounds a bit mean but it won't damage your newborn at all if you avoid talking directly to them or smothering them in kisses when their sibling is watching. You can provide the physical care they need and then make up the affection when big brother or sister's back is turned! Once you can see that the older child has realised that newborn babies don't do a great deal, are fun to cuddle and that you are still THEIR Mummy, then you can gradually amp up the public displays of affection for the newborn! 
• The birth of a sibling can also be a wonderful time when toddlers really bond with their Dad. Although toddlers love their Daddies very much, it is hard for a young child to focus on more than one person at a time and many do reject their Dad in favour of Mum whenever they are tired, hungry or upset and can see Dad mainly as a playmate. This can be a time where Dad really comes into his own both with his toddler, and also with the new baby as he will have many more skills second time (or subsequent times) around.

 

Today I’m going to use weighing up the pros and cons of babies having what are known as ‘transitional objects’ (or we might call them security blankets, blankies, or loveys) as an example of how we can over intellectualise parenting choices.

I believe that parenting is often about reaching a compromise between what we would like to do in an ideal world, and what we can realistically provide in the long term within our emotional, physical and financial constraints. It’s about weighing up what is best for the whole family and taking an overview approach rather than getting bogged down with minutiae. I’m a big believer in the concept of the ‘good-enough’ parent rather than the quest for perfection.

Transitional objects are so called because they act as an emotional bridge between the baby/child and the world, which reminds him of his mother, or makes him feel as if he has part of her with him when he is temporarily separated from her. Studies have shown (and I’m sorry I don’t have a reference for you here, I can’t find where I read it) that when exposed to stressful situations children with security blankets have lower saliva cortisol (the stress hormone) levels than those without.

Some children select a blankie themselves without encouragement, some children never attach to a blankie, but many will attach if you encourage them to do so. All you need to do is place the blanket in their hand whenever you are breast or bottle feeding them, whenever you are having snuggles or story, whenever they are tired or upset and when they are old enough to do so safely, place it in their sleeping place. Blankies should be small to reduce the risk of overheating should the baby place it over his head (which they seem to like to do, just to worry you!). What worked for us was having two blankies either side of the cot safety pinned under the mattress so that our babies could access a blankie whichever way they rolled and pull it up to their faces but couldn’t pull it right over their heads. The ability to form an attachment to an inanimate object begins somewhere between about 5 and 9 months.

Some people believe that children shouldn’t have blankies because it signifies an unmet need in them, that if they are securely attached to their mother and parented responsively then they would have no need to attach to anything but mother. Aletha Solter is a particular proponent of this school of thought. Aletha Solter is a psychologist who has written several influential books on parenting. Her work is very interesting and do I agree with much of what she says, but I believe in taking the best bits from each person’s philosophy and fitting it to your own life. Following any one person’s advice rigidly usually results in confusion and stress. To me, this is a prime example of the over intellectualisation of parenting. Aletha Solter is an academic so it’s her job to study this stuff, but you can literally find online parenting forums where people are passionately arguing about such trivia. It’s wonderful that people put thought into their parenting choices, but it can go too far! There are people starving in the world you know!

It’s been my experience that of the babies and toddlers I work with and know in my personal life, the ones who are attachment parented are indeed less likely to develop an attachment to an inanimate object, however they are also the children who tend to cope poorly when separated from their mother under the age of 4 or 5 (after the age of 5 they may well cope better and be more confident). I’m not holding up being able to cope well without Mum as a good thing. I think we push mothers and children into separating far too early these days and over value independence in children. However, if your child has to be away from you, wouldn’t you rather they had something that helped them cope?

It’s my personal belief that encouraging an attachment to a blankie is a positive thing, whatever your style of parenting. You might be a hard-core attachment parent, but when you start out on your parenting journey, you have no idea how things might change. Financial, relationship and health status can suddenly change. You can’t possibly guarantee that you are going to be able to be present with your child day and night until they are four or five years old. You may find yourself suddenly divorced and needing to use childcare for work when you thought you would be a stay at home mum. You may end up in hospital with an inconsolable child at home without you. If your child has a blankie that they adore, even if you plan not to be separated from them at all, at least it is there for them if they need it. Also, a current trend I see is families choosing to attachment parent when at home AND have their child in childcare several days per week. This makes the culture shock even greater for the child so a blankie may be especially beneficial for those children.

My children still adore their blankies at age 8 & 10 (only at night!) and their blankies have helped them in the transition to preschool/kindy and with stressful events like having an X-ray or a blood test. I do think if I had allowed them to co-sleep with us indefinitely that they may not have wanted a blankie. I feel a bit sad about that, as it is not a natural thing for a small child to sleep separately from his or her parents. However, I had to take an overview of the whole situation and I know that as a light sleeper and with babies who were light sleepers, we all would have got much less sleep if we had had a family bed. This is an example not letting my philosophy get in the way of adapting to my circumstances. I feel that being against babies having blankies is quite over the top. When you approach parenting from such a strong intellectual and philosophical standpoint, sometimes common sense can go out the window.
 

All babies start to cry more at about 3 weeks old, peaking at 6 weeks and tailing off at about 12 weeks. Colic is not a medical diagnosis; it is just a word that means ‘we don’t know why this healthy baby is crying more than 3 hours a day, more than 3 days a week, for more than 3 weeks’.
 
It may be due to a combination of neurological immaturity, the sensory overload of being introduced to the world and wind issues. We do know that although babies in traditional cultures who are carried all day and have constant access to the breast have shorter bouts of crying, all human babies have a peak in crying activity at 6 weeks old. So it's not you! It's not something you're doing. It can be very upsetting for parents watching their baby cry and feeling like there is nothing they can do to help, but try to keep in mind that the important thing is that you support your baby through their crying and accept that it is not possible for you to stop all crying.

I recently read an amazing scientific hypothesis that colic might be due to babies not being able to separate out their breathing and vocalising, as colic occurs at the age where they are transitioning from one type of control of breathing by the nervous system to a different type which will ultimately allow them to speech-breathe when they learn to talk. If you like to read sciencey stuff and won't freak yourself as it also goes into the possible mechanisms by which this may influence risk of SIDS then the full article is available here:   

http://cosleeping.nd.edu/assets/194726/colic_sids_family_relations_4.pdf

Here are some basic colic tips that may help you ride out this difficult period: -