Helping your toddler adjust to having a new sibling

If you only have 18-20 months or less (eek!!) between babies then jealousy may not be an issue. Children between the ages of two and four can react to the arrival of a new sibling in any number of different ways ranging from being totally disinterested, being extremely loving and gentle straight away, being over exuberant in their affections (or treating the baby like a play thing, trying to pick them up and carry them around whenever you turn your back), being very clingy and wanting to be babied again themselves, liking the baby but being very angry with Mum &/or Dad that things have changed right through to extreme jealousy and outright hatred of the interloper!!

Anecdotally, boys tend to be a little more jealous than girls. Try to remember that it is a phase which will pass. 

I remember hating my little brother who arrived just after my fourth birthday. I have a very vivid memory of my sister and I staring at his bassinette in the corner of the living room and just wanting to do away with him! It didn’t last long though, we were a very happy threesome. 

Here are a few ideas on helping your toddler/pre schooler adjust to his or her new sibling:

• Any changes that are going to be made before the baby arrives, like starting child care, being responded to at night by Dad instead of Mum, going into a big bed or toilet training, need to be done several months in advance. Toilet training during pregnancy unless the child is VERY ready and initiating it themselves is best postponed until the new baby is a few months old. It is NOT easier to clean up toddler wee and poo accidents than have two nappies to change.
• Cut them some slack. Don’t overreact to attention seeking behaviour or them being unkind to the baby. You may feel extremely angry that your child is being aggressive towards the new baby but if you give too much oxygen to the behaviour then it will only fuel it. Be very firm but keep your tone and body language as neutral as possible. In the first couple of weeks you can afford to let some small things slide. Don’t start something if you don’t have the energy to follow through on it.
• Your toddler will likely be testing you. They will push the boundaries to see if you still love them no matter how horrible they are. You may be shocked at a nasty side you hadn’t seen before and that is when you just have to keep pouring on the unconditional love and acceptance. Just when you least want to be nice is when they need it most.
• Acknowledge their feelings, but be firm, redirect negative behaviours and follow up with something positive: ‘I can see you are cross because you want me to play with you and I am busy, but it is not okay to do A, you can go and do B or C instead. Remember: Mummy loves you all the time, even when you do A.'
• After an initial adjustment period of 2-3 weeks, then it is time to tighten up the behaviour expectations again. If you feel too sorry for your toddler and let them get away with too much then that is just as confusing and upsetting for them as the arrival of the baby. They need to know that the rules are still the same, you are still the same. If you have had relatives staying to help with the new baby, then although lovely this can also be unsettling because grandparents etc may have different behaviour expectations to parents (in either direction!), so around now may be time to get back to some kind of normal routine and structure.
• Give your toddler some one to one special time each day, but the rest of the time, make sure that the baby is included. You want them to realise that fun stuff happens when the baby is around, not just when the baby is asleep. E.g. if they only get taken to the park when the baby is asleep at home (which of course is fine to do sometimes) then they can make the association that baby = no fun.
• Give them special jobs to do like bringing you nappies and baby wipes and thank them for helping
• Buy them a life-like dolly and stroller to play with and copy you when you are feeding & changing baby. You can also use this beforehand to model gentle behaviour around babies. This definitely goes for boys too - no sexism thank you, we are preparing the next generation of husbands and fathers here! And little boys will pretend to breastfeed and that is OKAY too and very cute! The smaller toy dolls can be great as they are in proportion with a toddler's size and can be carried everywhere.
• It’s okay to indulge a bit of babyish behaviour. It will pass and the desire for independence will take over. Don’t over emphasise the ‘you are my big boy/girl now’. They are still so little and still your baby too. Obviously this can go too far but if you indulge them a little they are less likely to go even further to get your attention. E.g If they want to drink some milk out of a bottle instead of a cup or be spoon feed for a few days at dinner - don’t stress. You might feed them a few spoonfuls and then expect them to do the rest themselves; you might give them a small bottle of milk before bed but expect them to drink normally the rest of the time.
• Some children ask if they can breastfeed too. Unless you’re actually tandem feeding a newborn and a toddler who had breastfed all through pregnancy, presumably you don’t want to go back to that in a weaned toddler/pre schooler. But giving them a squirt of milk off one side now and then in a little tea cup for a ‘taste’ can keep them happy.
• Feeding time can be a special time for the sibling too - you can do puzzles, build towers, cuddle and read stories while you are breastfeeding (not so easy to bottle feed one handed but then maybe sibling can help). My big girl’s earliest memory is playing a special game with puppets that we only played when I was feeding her sister. I had forgotten all about it and she was able to remind me. She was 2.5 then and she is 11 now so it is obviously vivid for her.
• Let them choose a gift for the new baby
• You can buy a gift for them from the new baby, but this is more of something to keep them amused when you first come home from hospital rather than it being likely to actually make them like the baby!
• Remind visitors to pay attention to all children in the family. A nice way is to have the elder sibling/s ‘show’ guests their new baby brother or sister
• Encourage lots of supervised cuddles and kisses to let them bond
• It may be best when first reunited with your toddler after giving birth, that you are not holding the baby 
• It can also help to mainly focus on your interactions with the older child for the first 2-3 days. It sounds a bit mean but it won't damage your newborn at all if you avoid talking directly to them or smothering them in kisses when their sibling is watching. You can provide the physical care they need and then make up the affection when big brother or sister's back is turned! Once you can see that the older child has realised that newborn babies don't do a great deal, are fun to cuddle and that you are still THEIR Mummy, then you can gradually amp up the public displays of affection for the newborn! 
• The birth of a sibling can also be a wonderful time when toddlers really bond with their Dad. Although toddlers love their Daddies very much, it is hard for a young child to focus on more than one person at a time and many do reject their Dad in favour of Mum whenever they are tired, hungry or upset and can see Dad mainly as a playmate. This can be a time where Dad really comes into his own both with his toddler, and also with the new baby as he will have many more skills second time (or subsequent times) around.